Post by The Mighty Mjaeder! on Nov 20, 2010 19:55:26 GMT -5
October 30th, 2010
Sir Doctor Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, perhaps the greatest journalist, pundit, and political mind of our generation, in an attempt to save the world from the forces of terrorism, liberalism, and librarianism (they’re hiding something) organized the March To Keep Fear Alive. For in this modern world, there remains much to fear, and to ignore the countless threats to our nation and our world is to invite our own destruction. Yet effete, elitist intellectual limp-wristed sissy Democrats held far too many positions of great power in the American government, as did their counterparts across the world, and these barely cleaned up hippies delighted in turning a blind eye to the threats threatening our very way of life. It was time for the Threat Down: Supersized!
Stephen was in the midst of scaring the pants off of American, exposing her fine, toned backside for the world to see and admire once more, when he was descended upon by a pack of barely conscious brainwashed liberal masses. These sad, ignorant souls actually believed that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and in their madness destroyed the March, leaving Stephen critically wounded, in deed, on death’s door, threatening to deprive the world of one of its greatest voices…
As fate would have it, halfway across the world in (one of) his (many) secret lair(s) clearly designed to top Ozymandias’ Antarctic getaway in size, scope, and ostentatious-ness another epic conservative figure sat watching the events as they unfolded live on a vast monitor flanked by 100 foot tall marble statues of himself. It was the head of the Honkonen economic empire, founder of the CWF professional wrestling dynasty, self made billionaire, and national political figure, Mr. Honkonen himself. Mr. Honkonen leaned forward, staring calmly but intently at the fallen Colbert.
“That simply won’t do,” he mused to himself, “not on my watch…”
With virtually unlimited resources, it was a simple matter for Honkonen to put the nascent plan forming in his considerable mind into motion. Within moments, Colbert was whisked from the destroyed march by unmarked helicopter and placed on a super sonic jet equipped with a full medical facility. His injuries were stabilized by the time the jet broke the sound barrier, but that was just the beginning…
Within a few short hours, the comatose Colbert was delivered to one of Honkonen’s top secret experimental research facilities in the heart of Japan- not as many pesky laws restricting genetic engineering or human experimentation, and governmental official cheaper to buy off made Japan an ideal location. Mr. Honkonen via obscenely expensive and grossly unnecessary holographic projection appeared “live” before the doctors heading the facility.
“Gentlemen, we can rebuild him… We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, truthier…”
A few days later, a fully recovered Colbert was released from the facility and returned to America with a new lease on life ready to continue to fight the good fight. Little did he know, he left something behind…
Cultured from Colbert’s DNA combined with that of Honkonen himself and samples (illegally) obtained posthumously from President Reagan, this new life form was rapidly growing to massive proportions. If the world wouldn’t listen to reason and embrace Colbert’s attempt to Keep Fear Alive, Honkonen would give them something to be afraid of… From the depths of the conservative mind and with science as his nursemaid, Fearzilla was born…
November 20th, 2010
Standing 100 yards tall, Honkonen’s beautiful yet terrifying creation stepped foot into the world for the first time, strolling into the streets of Tokyo, ready to let loose chaos and destruction upon the unsuspecting masses. As an already panicked populace looked up in Shock and Awe, the creature spoke…
“Nation, look at me, right here, go ahead … make eye contact. We all know if we allow gay marriage, some day some shaved, oiled, muscle-bound He-Man in leather straps will carry your only son over the threshold into their Honeymoon Suite. And then… that animal will hump your boy from Hell to Breakfast! Ok? OK!?! Is that image in your mind like a hot match dropped between the wet lobes of your brain as it hisses and pops and won’t go out? Let that picture brand your soul… And keep it in your mind! Now, go vote…”
With that, Fearzilla unleashed a swipe from his mighty hand, smashing the nearest convenient building. It had begun…
Suck on that, Jon Stewart…
Sir Doctor Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, perhaps the greatest journalist, pundit, and political mind of our generation, in an attempt to save the world from the forces of terrorism, liberalism, and librarianism (they’re hiding something) organized the March To Keep Fear Alive. For in this modern world, there remains much to fear, and to ignore the countless threats to our nation and our world is to invite our own destruction. Yet effete, elitist intellectual limp-wristed sissy Democrats held far too many positions of great power in the American government, as did their counterparts across the world, and these barely cleaned up hippies delighted in turning a blind eye to the threats threatening our very way of life. It was time for the Threat Down: Supersized!
Stephen was in the midst of scaring the pants off of American, exposing her fine, toned backside for the world to see and admire once more, when he was descended upon by a pack of barely conscious brainwashed liberal masses. These sad, ignorant souls actually believed that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and in their madness destroyed the March, leaving Stephen critically wounded, in deed, on death’s door, threatening to deprive the world of one of its greatest voices…
As fate would have it, halfway across the world in (one of) his (many) secret lair(s) clearly designed to top Ozymandias’ Antarctic getaway in size, scope, and ostentatious-ness another epic conservative figure sat watching the events as they unfolded live on a vast monitor flanked by 100 foot tall marble statues of himself. It was the head of the Honkonen economic empire, founder of the CWF professional wrestling dynasty, self made billionaire, and national political figure, Mr. Honkonen himself. Mr. Honkonen leaned forward, staring calmly but intently at the fallen Colbert.
“That simply won’t do,” he mused to himself, “not on my watch…”
With virtually unlimited resources, it was a simple matter for Honkonen to put the nascent plan forming in his considerable mind into motion. Within moments, Colbert was whisked from the destroyed march by unmarked helicopter and placed on a super sonic jet equipped with a full medical facility. His injuries were stabilized by the time the jet broke the sound barrier, but that was just the beginning…
Within a few short hours, the comatose Colbert was delivered to one of Honkonen’s top secret experimental research facilities in the heart of Japan- not as many pesky laws restricting genetic engineering or human experimentation, and governmental official cheaper to buy off made Japan an ideal location. Mr. Honkonen via obscenely expensive and grossly unnecessary holographic projection appeared “live” before the doctors heading the facility.
“Gentlemen, we can rebuild him… We can make him better than he was before. Better, stronger, truthier…”
A few days later, a fully recovered Colbert was released from the facility and returned to America with a new lease on life ready to continue to fight the good fight. Little did he know, he left something behind…
Cultured from Colbert’s DNA combined with that of Honkonen himself and samples (illegally) obtained posthumously from President Reagan, this new life form was rapidly growing to massive proportions. If the world wouldn’t listen to reason and embrace Colbert’s attempt to Keep Fear Alive, Honkonen would give them something to be afraid of… From the depths of the conservative mind and with science as his nursemaid, Fearzilla was born…
November 20th, 2010
Standing 100 yards tall, Honkonen’s beautiful yet terrifying creation stepped foot into the world for the first time, strolling into the streets of Tokyo, ready to let loose chaos and destruction upon the unsuspecting masses. As an already panicked populace looked up in Shock and Awe, the creature spoke…
“Nation, look at me, right here, go ahead … make eye contact. We all know if we allow gay marriage, some day some shaved, oiled, muscle-bound He-Man in leather straps will carry your only son over the threshold into their Honeymoon Suite. And then… that animal will hump your boy from Hell to Breakfast! Ok? OK!?! Is that image in your mind like a hot match dropped between the wet lobes of your brain as it hisses and pops and won’t go out? Let that picture brand your soul… And keep it in your mind! Now, go vote…”
With that, Fearzilla unleashed a swipe from his mighty hand, smashing the nearest convenient building. It had begun…
Suck on that, Jon Stewart…
