Post by Nyarlath on Jan 8, 2011 20:23:53 GMT -5
"Ladies and gentlemen, due to scheduling conflicts the part of Brian Thorn will be played by Matt Damon."
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. The beast threatens to tear Japan's capital apart. Pressed with it's ultimate demise the city's inhabitants call upon one man to save them.
Back at the installation Emily Ward, the beautiful yet oddly reluctant assistant to Japan's greatest hero, stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack. Her hair is free and flowing, and her shirt is uncharacteristically low cut.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around, a slovenly look on his face and a strange deadness in his eyes. And... is that drool?
"Maaattt Daaamooonnn..."
The crew is mixed with grimaces, raised eyebrows, and sneers.
"Hrm. Okay, let's try this again. Ladies and gentlemen, due to scheduling conflicts the part of Brian Thorn will be played by... Wow, really? We have this kind of pull? Ahem! The part of Brian Thorn will be played by Sean Connery!"
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. The beast threatens to tear Japan's capital apart. Pressed with it's ultimate demise the city's inhabitants call upon one man to save them.
Back at the installation Emily Ward, the beautiful yet oddly reluctant assistant to Japan's greatest hero, stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack. Her hair is free and flowing, and her shirt is uncharacteristically low cut.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around and in his famous accent says, "Tokyo must be defended. Dr. Kagan, start up the mech."
Kagan nods and begins the prelaunch sequence, but suddenly there's an explosion. From a hole in a wall walks Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE and one of James Bond's greatest villains.
"Not so fast, Mr. Bond!"
"What the hell?" Connery certainly looks confused. "Was this in the script?"
"No," the huddled cast says in unison, all flipping through scripts.
"Of course it wasn't," the villain continues, "but I've finally cornered you!"
"Didn't... didn't Moore drop you down a chimney?" Connery asks.
"Yes, and I've already taken care of him, now it's your turn!"
Unfortunately for the evil one he'd walked too close and Connery was able to use his martial arts skills to disarm and incapacitate him. Even worse, after that was done the Kurgan showed up and lobbed his head off with a huge sword, screaming "There can be only one!"
"Uhh... should we go back to Damon? No? Okay. Got anyone else lined up? Oh yeah? I'd say he's too old but we just had Connery, plus he's awesome. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, due to scheduling conflicts the role of Brian Thorn will be played by Patrick Stewart."
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. (Edited) Back at the installation Emily Ward stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around, wearing a red Starfleet uniform with four pips on his neckline. "Red alert! Status, Number One?"
The crew, "uhhh..."
"Maaaat Daaamoonnn..."
"Someone get him out of here."
Picard, er, Patrick Stewart points at Emily who instantly smiles. "Ooh," she says with an excited jump, "I'm Number One!"
"A fellow Trekkie?" Dr. Kagan looks a bit surprised, though somewhat disappointed. "You never mentioned it."
"You never asked," Emily replied with a smirk.
"Number One! Status!"
"Uhm, erm, uhh..." Emily looks at the view screen. "There's a giant monster attacking Tokyo, sir."
General Grant stares violently at the excited woman. "You never call me sir!"
"You aren't exactly the captain of the Enterprise," Emily retorts, causing Kagan to crack. His smiles are met with a stare and he quickly stops.
"We must assist the city," Patrick Stewart commands, when suddenly a young William Shatner, dressed as Kirk, is beamed into the complex next to Picard.
"Ooooohhhhh," the crew sounds with anticipation.
"Who are you?" Kirk asks.
"I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise-"
"Impossible," Kirk states, drawing his phaser, "I'm captain of the Enterprise."
"I recognize you," Picard says, "Captain James T. Kirk. This may sound odd but we've met-"
"Enough!" Kirk sure looks angry. "I don't know what's going on or who's doing this to me, but I won't listen to any more of your lies!"
Suddenly he fires his phaser, Picard tries to dodge, the rest of the Mech crew shout to stop Kirk, when everything stops. Two Starfleet officers from the 29th century show up during this time stop and look around.
"Oh, good, caught this one just in time," one officer says.
"Time paradoxes. Aren't they fun?" says the other.
"No, but thank god for them. Otherwise we'd be out of jobs."
They communicate to an unseen voice and within a matter of seconds they, and both captains, are being teleported away.
"Okay, this is getting out of hand. Can't we just find someone and finish this damn scene? Preferably someone who's acting past isn't cool enough to come back to haunt them? Who? That'll work I gues. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen due to scheduling conflicts the part of Brian Thorn will be played by Ben Affleck."
Ben Affleck stands ready in a piloting suit, but is instantly met by a chorus of boos from the audience. "Hey, wait, people loved The Town."
He's answered by a random audience member. "Doesn't make up for Reindeer Games, asshole!"
Affleck drops his head in shame.
"... Mel Gibson."
Another chorus of boos. "Fucking jews."
"What were we thinking? Uhh, hmm..."
"Maaattt Daaamooonnnn..."
"Seriously, someone get him the fuck out of here!" ... "Okay, uhm, Eric Bana?"
Bana stands in his pilot outfit, awaiting the crowds reaction. There's a slight mix, but mostly nobody is making much noise.
"Okay, great, that's what we're going with. Let's do this!"
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster... blah blah blah.
"The city is in danger!" Emily Ward seems unenthusiastic about having to deliver these lines again. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Each of them hopes this is it. Finally he turns around, doing his best to hide his accent.
"Tokyo needs our help. Dr. Kagan, get the mech ready. General Grant, get the rest of the boys on standby just in case I need backup."
"You've never asked for backup," General Grant mentions.
"And why does your accent seem fake all of the sudden?" Mrs. Pryor asks. Yep, she's been there the whole time, just hasn't had lines yet.
"I'm going to save the day, hahah!"
"What's with the "hahah"?" Emily asks, obviously not the only one on the team that's confused.
Bana slides on some shades. "I'm Brian Thorn, hahah, I do what I want. Yeah!" He claps his hands and spreads his arms, then flashes a smile for everyone.
Dr. Kagan raises his hand, and Emily points at him. "Is it just me, or is he acting strangely?"
"It's not just you," General Grant says as they continue to watch the crazed Eric Bana.
All of a sudden he's wearing an 80's pilot jacket and flashes his smile again. "I feel the need... the need, for... Have I told you all about the wonders of Scientology yet?"
In unison, "Tom Cruise?"
"Maaattt Daaamooonnn..."
"THAT'S IT!"
The entire cast looks past the camera where there are sounds of scuffling. A few good smacks interrupt another "Ma-aa-att-t Da-aa-mo-on-nn..." until finally everything seems to settle down.
"No, are you kidding? I'm not Tom Cruise, people hate that guy," says Eric Bana(?).
As people start to notice that Bana is suddenly shorter and thinner and calling out for Goose, his face is met with a swift kick... to the face. Brian Thorn grabs him by the scruff of the neck and peels off the Bana mask to reveal.... ...
(keep scrolling...)
(just a bit more...)
TOM CRUISE! (Nice twist, eh? Didn't see that coming, did you?)
Oh, oops...
"I knew it was Tom Cruise," Emily states proudly.
"Everyone knew it was Tom Cruise," Dr. Kagan says bluntly.
"What I want to know is why?" asks General Grant.
Tom Cruise holds his face and looks like a beaten man. "What do you want from me?"
General Grant steps forward, "I want the TRUTH!"
"You can't handle the-"
Kick to the face.
"Enough!" Thorn throws Tom Cruise off the set. "Don't I have a city to save?"
Emily shrugs. "Not anymore."
"Huh?"
"Well," she explains, "all of the confusion here lead to no response. I think I heard that Mebbles was in the area and took care of it."
Thorn furrows his brow. "That... is a horrible ending."
"That's true," Emily agrees, "but it's what's in the script."
The cast get out their scripts and show the final page to Thorn, shrugging as they do.
"Well," Thorn says, blowing off the events, "I guess that's a wrap."
They all share a light chuckle as they walk down the set. The credits start to show up on the screen along with the ending music, but a bit of the conversation can still be heard.
"You going to start wearing more outfits like that?" Thorn asks Emily?
"Ugh. No. It's just when I heard the cast list for this episode I knew I had a lot of impressing to do."
"That might be the sluttiest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Don't make me kill you."
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. The beast threatens to tear Japan's capital apart. Pressed with it's ultimate demise the city's inhabitants call upon one man to save them.
Back at the installation Emily Ward, the beautiful yet oddly reluctant assistant to Japan's greatest hero, stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack. Her hair is free and flowing, and her shirt is uncharacteristically low cut.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around, a slovenly look on his face and a strange deadness in his eyes. And... is that drool?
"Maaattt Daaamooonnn..."
The crew is mixed with grimaces, raised eyebrows, and sneers.
"Hrm. Okay, let's try this again. Ladies and gentlemen, due to scheduling conflicts the part of Brian Thorn will be played by... Wow, really? We have this kind of pull? Ahem! The part of Brian Thorn will be played by Sean Connery!"
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. The beast threatens to tear Japan's capital apart. Pressed with it's ultimate demise the city's inhabitants call upon one man to save them.
Back at the installation Emily Ward, the beautiful yet oddly reluctant assistant to Japan's greatest hero, stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack. Her hair is free and flowing, and her shirt is uncharacteristically low cut.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around and in his famous accent says, "Tokyo must be defended. Dr. Kagan, start up the mech."
Kagan nods and begins the prelaunch sequence, but suddenly there's an explosion. From a hole in a wall walks Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the head of SPECTRE and one of James Bond's greatest villains.
"Not so fast, Mr. Bond!"
"What the hell?" Connery certainly looks confused. "Was this in the script?"
"No," the huddled cast says in unison, all flipping through scripts.
"Of course it wasn't," the villain continues, "but I've finally cornered you!"
"Didn't... didn't Moore drop you down a chimney?" Connery asks.
"Yes, and I've already taken care of him, now it's your turn!"
Unfortunately for the evil one he'd walked too close and Connery was able to use his martial arts skills to disarm and incapacitate him. Even worse, after that was done the Kurgan showed up and lobbed his head off with a huge sword, screaming "There can be only one!"
"Uhh... should we go back to Damon? No? Okay. Got anyone else lined up? Oh yeah? I'd say he's too old but we just had Connery, plus he's awesome. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen, due to scheduling conflicts the role of Brian Thorn will be played by Patrick Stewart."
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster. (Edited) Back at the installation Emily Ward stands looking at the high tech view screen showing the attack.
"The city is in danger!" Her hair flips as she spins, and she whips her glasses off as she states the obvious. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are suddenly huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Finally he turns around, wearing a red Starfleet uniform with four pips on his neckline. "Red alert! Status, Number One?"
The crew, "uhhh..."
"Maaaat Daaamoonnn..."
"Someone get him out of here."
Picard, er, Patrick Stewart points at Emily who instantly smiles. "Ooh," she says with an excited jump, "I'm Number One!"
"A fellow Trekkie?" Dr. Kagan looks a bit surprised, though somewhat disappointed. "You never mentioned it."
"You never asked," Emily replied with a smirk.
"Number One! Status!"
"Uhm, erm, uhh..." Emily looks at the view screen. "There's a giant monster attacking Tokyo, sir."
General Grant stares violently at the excited woman. "You never call me sir!"
"You aren't exactly the captain of the Enterprise," Emily retorts, causing Kagan to crack. His smiles are met with a stare and he quickly stops.
"We must assist the city," Patrick Stewart commands, when suddenly a young William Shatner, dressed as Kirk, is beamed into the complex next to Picard.
"Ooooohhhhh," the crew sounds with anticipation.
"Who are you?" Kirk asks.
"I'm Jean-Luc Picard, Captain of the USS Enterprise-"
"Impossible," Kirk states, drawing his phaser, "I'm captain of the Enterprise."
"I recognize you," Picard says, "Captain James T. Kirk. This may sound odd but we've met-"
"Enough!" Kirk sure looks angry. "I don't know what's going on or who's doing this to me, but I won't listen to any more of your lies!"
Suddenly he fires his phaser, Picard tries to dodge, the rest of the Mech crew shout to stop Kirk, when everything stops. Two Starfleet officers from the 29th century show up during this time stop and look around.
"Oh, good, caught this one just in time," one officer says.
"Time paradoxes. Aren't they fun?" says the other.
"No, but thank god for them. Otherwise we'd be out of jobs."
They communicate to an unseen voice and within a matter of seconds they, and both captains, are being teleported away.
"Okay, this is getting out of hand. Can't we just find someone and finish this damn scene? Preferably someone who's acting past isn't cool enough to come back to haunt them? Who? That'll work I gues. Ahem! Ladies and gentlemen due to scheduling conflicts the part of Brian Thorn will be played by Ben Affleck."
Ben Affleck stands ready in a piloting suit, but is instantly met by a chorus of boos from the audience. "Hey, wait, people loved The Town."
He's answered by a random audience member. "Doesn't make up for Reindeer Games, asshole!"
Affleck drops his head in shame.
"... Mel Gibson."
Another chorus of boos. "Fucking jews."
"What were we thinking? Uhh, hmm..."
"Maaattt Daaamooonnnn..."
"Seriously, someone get him the fuck out of here!" ... "Okay, uhm, Eric Bana?"
Bana stands in his pilot outfit, awaiting the crowds reaction. There's a slight mix, but mostly nobody is making much noise.
"Okay, great, that's what we're going with. Let's do this!"
The city of Tokyo is once again under siege by a vicious monster... blah blah blah.
"The city is in danger!" Emily Ward seems unenthusiastic about having to deliver these lines again. "Thorn! You must suit up!"
The rest of the crew are huddled up, all staring in the direction of our hero. Each of them hopes this is it. Finally he turns around, doing his best to hide his accent.
"Tokyo needs our help. Dr. Kagan, get the mech ready. General Grant, get the rest of the boys on standby just in case I need backup."
"You've never asked for backup," General Grant mentions.
"And why does your accent seem fake all of the sudden?" Mrs. Pryor asks. Yep, she's been there the whole time, just hasn't had lines yet.
"I'm going to save the day, hahah!"
"What's with the "hahah"?" Emily asks, obviously not the only one on the team that's confused.
Bana slides on some shades. "I'm Brian Thorn, hahah, I do what I want. Yeah!" He claps his hands and spreads his arms, then flashes a smile for everyone.
Dr. Kagan raises his hand, and Emily points at him. "Is it just me, or is he acting strangely?"
"It's not just you," General Grant says as they continue to watch the crazed Eric Bana.
All of a sudden he's wearing an 80's pilot jacket and flashes his smile again. "I feel the need... the need, for... Have I told you all about the wonders of Scientology yet?"
In unison, "Tom Cruise?"
"Maaattt Daaamooonnn..."
"THAT'S IT!"
The entire cast looks past the camera where there are sounds of scuffling. A few good smacks interrupt another "Ma-aa-att-t Da-aa-mo-on-nn..." until finally everything seems to settle down.
"No, are you kidding? I'm not Tom Cruise, people hate that guy," says Eric Bana(?).
As people start to notice that Bana is suddenly shorter and thinner and calling out for Goose, his face is met with a swift kick... to the face. Brian Thorn grabs him by the scruff of the neck and peels off the Bana mask to reveal.... ...
(keep scrolling...)
(just a bit more...)
TOM CRUISE! (Nice twist, eh? Didn't see that coming, did you?)
Oh, oops...
"I knew it was Tom Cruise," Emily states proudly.
"Everyone knew it was Tom Cruise," Dr. Kagan says bluntly.
"What I want to know is why?" asks General Grant.
Tom Cruise holds his face and looks like a beaten man. "What do you want from me?"
General Grant steps forward, "I want the TRUTH!"
"You can't handle the-"
Kick to the face.
"Enough!" Thorn throws Tom Cruise off the set. "Don't I have a city to save?"
Emily shrugs. "Not anymore."
"Huh?"
"Well," she explains, "all of the confusion here lead to no response. I think I heard that Mebbles was in the area and took care of it."
Thorn furrows his brow. "That... is a horrible ending."
"That's true," Emily agrees, "but it's what's in the script."
The cast get out their scripts and show the final page to Thorn, shrugging as they do.
"Well," Thorn says, blowing off the events, "I guess that's a wrap."
They all share a light chuckle as they walk down the set. The credits start to show up on the screen along with the ending music, but a bit of the conversation can still be heard.
"You going to start wearing more outfits like that?" Thorn asks Emily?
"Ugh. No. It's just when I heard the cast list for this episode I knew I had a lot of impressing to do."
"That might be the sluttiest thing I've ever heard you say."
"Don't make me kill you."
