Post by The Mighty Mjaeder! on Dec 18, 2010 3:28:51 GMT -5
“HO! … HO!… HO!”
The seasonal guffaw was most definitely not uttered by a jolly old elf, although it did issue forth from a man in red, if you use the term “man” loosely…
Citizens gasped in shock and horror as Fearzilla marched into Tokyo in a giant Santa Claus suit, the traditional holiday attire made ghastly by smears of dark black soot and what appeared to be blood stains on the white trim. As Feara Claus strode forth, he sneered down at the stunned populace.
“Heroes, we are a Christian nation, founded on Christian morals and beliefs. Christmas is one of our most sacred national holidays,” don’t you DARE point out that he’s not in America… “And yet this holiest of holy days is under attack by the secular progressive left wing cultural agenda. They want to destroy everything we hold dear, beginning with this great holiday. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that will not be allowed without fierce retribution… This… is the Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude!”
From some unseen source, a catchy holiday tune began to play, its lyrics echoing throughout the entire city…
“I can’t believe what Christmas has come to today!
All these Atheists and judges trying to take it away…
No carols in our public schools!”
Fearzilla reached into his giant black sack, producing massive jingle bells and giving them a mighty hurl. The bells soared through the air, coming to a brutal crash landing, crushing a high school in the process.
“No trees in city hall…”
Fearzilla pointed a finger at a grove of trees on the outskirts of the city. One grew to monstrous proportions and ripped itself free from the ground, spearing city hall in piny destruction.
“And they wish you season’s greetings at the shopping mall…”
With a mighty breath, Fearzilla breathed fiery death down upon a large shopping complex, spelling out “Merry Christmas” with his flames.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year America is taking it back!”
Machine gun fiery and artillery shelling seemingly from nowhere ripped across the city.
“Separate church and state,
That's what some lawyer said…
I say it's time we separated him from his head!”
One swift Chuck Norris like Roundhouse kick from Feara Claus was sufficient to decapitate a slew of statues across the city… The first severed head smashed into the second, knocking it free to ricochet into the third, which bounced off and into the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, and so on… Yeah, he is that damn good…
“You can call me un-Christian,
But that's not true!
'Cause have I got a present for you!”
Red and green Christmas ornaments float out of his magic sack and explode, sending razor sharp shards of glass rocketing across the streets.
“It's the thought that counts..
Christmas is as American as apple pie,
It's the late December version of the
Fourth of July…”
Deadly fireworks explode at just above ground level, doing some damage, but more important, thoroughly terrifying the legion of citizens diving for cover.
“And they may go by a different names,
But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus
Are one and the same…
So boys, take aim!”
Fearzilla pulled of his Santa hat, replacing it with an Uncle Sam version. In the classic “I want YOU” pose, he pointed at the children fleeing from the destroyed school. As if possessed, the children marched into formation. Guns appeared in their hands, and the proceeded to fire into shops and store fronts.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year America is taking it back!
Separate church and state,
That's what some liberal said…
I say it's time we liberated him from his head”
Still rebounding back and forth across the city, the flying heads continued to knock fresh recruits from their statues’ shoulders, joining the free in a madhouse of dismembered statue carnage.
“You can call me un-Christian
But that's not true
Buddy, I got a present for you…”
Feara Claus pulled a present out of his sack and set it in the street. It unwrapped itself, revealing a massive Jack in the Box, which promptly sprouted fangs and started hopping after shrieking citizens.
“I hope it's the right size…
Oh say can you see this Christmas,
Baby Jesus, 'tis of thee…”
All across the city, nativity scenes sprung to life, bringing chaos.
“I'm placing 50 shining stars atop
The Statue of LiberTree!”
A novelty sovereign statue of liberty grew to match the size of the real deal and added to the destruction.
“Then I'll go and jingle the Liberty Bell,
Toast Old Glory with an elf…
But if you say I can't deck my halls,
Then I'll deck you myself!”
An army of deranged elves leapt from Feara Claus’ sack branding mace like bells with which they struck at anything that moved, or didn’t, for that matter.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year old St. Nicholas is taking it back!
He's firing guns from his reindeer!
Dropping bombs from his sled!
This year if you're are not then you're as good as dead…
He wears red and white
But you can throw in blue
And has he got a present for you!”
Leaping into the sleigh that materialized by his side, Feara Claus took to the skies. Pulled by rabid, snarling, fanged reindeer, the sleigh rained fiery death upon the terrorized populace.
“Tell ‘em Colbert’s got one too!
Yeah, we got a present for you…
As in the A-C-L-U!”
Druel dripping from their hideous fangs, the wicked reindeer snapped their jaws as they flew, taking chunks of buildings with them.
“Easy Rudolph!
Down, boy! “
Completing one final circuit around the city as the song faded, Feara Claus offered his final words… for now…
“HO! … HO! … HO! Scary Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!”
The seasonal guffaw was most definitely not uttered by a jolly old elf, although it did issue forth from a man in red, if you use the term “man” loosely…
Citizens gasped in shock and horror as Fearzilla marched into Tokyo in a giant Santa Claus suit, the traditional holiday attire made ghastly by smears of dark black soot and what appeared to be blood stains on the white trim. As Feara Claus strode forth, he sneered down at the stunned populace.
“Heroes, we are a Christian nation, founded on Christian morals and beliefs. Christmas is one of our most sacred national holidays,” don’t you DARE point out that he’s not in America… “And yet this holiest of holy days is under attack by the secular progressive left wing cultural agenda. They want to destroy everything we hold dear, beginning with this great holiday. Well, ladies and gentlemen, that will not be allowed without fierce retribution… This… is the Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude!”
From some unseen source, a catchy holiday tune began to play, its lyrics echoing throughout the entire city…
“I can’t believe what Christmas has come to today!
All these Atheists and judges trying to take it away…
No carols in our public schools!”
Fearzilla reached into his giant black sack, producing massive jingle bells and giving them a mighty hurl. The bells soared through the air, coming to a brutal crash landing, crushing a high school in the process.
“No trees in city hall…”
Fearzilla pointed a finger at a grove of trees on the outskirts of the city. One grew to monstrous proportions and ripped itself free from the ground, spearing city hall in piny destruction.
“And they wish you season’s greetings at the shopping mall…”
With a mighty breath, Fearzilla breathed fiery death down upon a large shopping complex, spelling out “Merry Christmas” with his flames.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year America is taking it back!”
Machine gun fiery and artillery shelling seemingly from nowhere ripped across the city.
“Separate church and state,
That's what some lawyer said…
I say it's time we separated him from his head!”
One swift Chuck Norris like Roundhouse kick from Feara Claus was sufficient to decapitate a slew of statues across the city… The first severed head smashed into the second, knocking it free to ricochet into the third, which bounced off and into the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, and so on… Yeah, he is that damn good…
“You can call me un-Christian,
But that's not true!
'Cause have I got a present for you!”
Red and green Christmas ornaments float out of his magic sack and explode, sending razor sharp shards of glass rocketing across the streets.
“It's the thought that counts..
Christmas is as American as apple pie,
It's the late December version of the
Fourth of July…”
Deadly fireworks explode at just above ground level, doing some damage, but more important, thoroughly terrifying the legion of citizens diving for cover.
“And they may go by a different names,
But Uncle Sam and Santa Claus
Are one and the same…
So boys, take aim!”
Fearzilla pulled of his Santa hat, replacing it with an Uncle Sam version. In the classic “I want YOU” pose, he pointed at the children fleeing from the destroyed school. As if possessed, the children marched into formation. Guns appeared in their hands, and the proceeded to fire into shops and store fronts.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year America is taking it back!
Separate church and state,
That's what some liberal said…
I say it's time we liberated him from his head”
Still rebounding back and forth across the city, the flying heads continued to knock fresh recruits from their statues’ shoulders, joining the free in a madhouse of dismembered statue carnage.
“You can call me un-Christian
But that's not true
Buddy, I got a present for you…”
Feara Claus pulled a present out of his sack and set it in the street. It unwrapped itself, revealing a massive Jack in the Box, which promptly sprouted fangs and started hopping after shrieking citizens.
“I hope it's the right size…
Oh say can you see this Christmas,
Baby Jesus, 'tis of thee…”
All across the city, nativity scenes sprung to life, bringing chaos.
“I'm placing 50 shining stars atop
The Statue of LiberTree!”
A novelty sovereign statue of liberty grew to match the size of the real deal and added to the destruction.
“Then I'll go and jingle the Liberty Bell,
Toast Old Glory with an elf…
But if you say I can't deck my halls,
Then I'll deck you myself!”
An army of deranged elves leapt from Feara Claus’ sack branding mace like bells with which they struck at anything that moved, or didn’t, for that matter.
“Well, there's a War on Christmas!
It's under attack!
But this year old St. Nicholas is taking it back!
He's firing guns from his reindeer!
Dropping bombs from his sled!
This year if you're are not then you're as good as dead…
He wears red and white
But you can throw in blue
And has he got a present for you!”
Leaping into the sleigh that materialized by his side, Feara Claus took to the skies. Pulled by rabid, snarling, fanged reindeer, the sleigh rained fiery death upon the terrorized populace.
“Tell ‘em Colbert’s got one too!
Yeah, we got a present for you…
As in the A-C-L-U!”
Druel dripping from their hideous fangs, the wicked reindeer snapped their jaws as they flew, taking chunks of buildings with them.
“Easy Rudolph!
Down, boy! “
Completing one final circuit around the city as the song faded, Feara Claus offered his final words… for now…
“HO! … HO! … HO! Scary Christmas to all, and to all a good fright!”
